FRESH FROM THE FUNHOUSE
That's right: the hottest witch alive is back for everyone's favorite artificial carcinogen, pumpkin spice. Every fall I eat (and drink, and smell, and regret) the season's most pumpkin-spiced products so you don't have to. This year's lineup had a queen, a few survivors, and one cookie that tasted like fish. Here's every product from the video, ranked.
@marcosfunhouse I am the 6th Spice Girl, Pumpkin Spice - #pumpkinspice #pumpkinspiceseason #pumpkinspiceandeverythingnice #pumpkinseason #fallyall
How the scoring works
It's a very scientific method. Every product gets a score from 1 to 10 hottest witches alive. But those witches could also be dead. Or they could come back alive. But then they could be dead again. Glad we cleared that up.
(Yes, some scores went past 10. Science is flexible.)
🧙 ALIVE & THRIVING
1 · Werther's Original Pumpkin Pie Caramels
13 HOT WITCHES ALIVE
“All the other ones, take note: this is how you do it.”
2 · Chobani Flip Pumpkin Harvest Flip
12 HOTTEST WITCHES ALIVE, WELL, AND HEALTHY
“You hot little witches, you. Call me crazy, but…”
3 · Tates Pumpkin Spice Cookies
10 HOT WITCHES ALIVE, WELL, IN A CUPBOARD, THRIVING
“I have a confession: I already opened these! Dirty little devil, you.”
4 · Pillsbury Pumpkin Cookies
10 HOT FISH WITCHES
“Why does it taste like fish? I would like to formally apologize to Pillsbury. Turns out I cooked these in last night's dirty fish pan.”
5 · New York Style Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake Ice Cream
9 HOT WITCHES THAT ARE ALIVE
“I like this because it tastes nothing like pumpkin spice.”
6 · Private Selection Pumpkin Spice Coffee
7 HOTTEST WITCHES ALIVE… THAT HAVE DIABETES
“Oh, that's good. Oh, oh, that's bad.”
7 · Califia Farms Pumpkin Spice Latte Creamer
4 HOT WITCHES THAT ARE ALIVE AND WELL
“Califia Farms, like Wiz Khalifa? Dare I say I want more pumpkin?”
8 · Southern Tier Pumpking Beer
1 HOTTEST WITCH ALIVE
“Where's the pumpkin? Maybe it was brewed next to a pumpkin.”
🪦 THE GRAVEYARD
9 · Private Selection Pumpkin Sandwich Crème Cookies
🪦 5 DEAD HOT WITCHES
“Oh my god, my mouth. It burns. Everything's burning. Am I allergic to pumpkin spice?”
10 · Built Puff Pumpkin Cookie Chunk
🪦 4 HOTTEST WITCHES THAT ARE DEAD
“What is… what is that? Look at that.”
11 · Entenmann's Pumpkin Donut Holes
🪦 1 HOT WITCH. DEAD.
“They're just free-balling in here. Ugh, the lingering burn.”
12 · Private Selection Pumpkin Harvest Popcorn
🪦 1 HOT WITCH, DEAD BECAUSE SHE PLUGGED IN AN EARWAX AND IT EXPLODED
“You open this bag and that smell just assaults your face. It tastes like an earwax plug-in.”
13 · Bigelow Pumpkin Spice Tea
🪦 1 HOT WITCH, OVERWHELMED
“I was gonna make tea, but like, this just feels overwhelming.”
YOU BE THE JUDGE!
Did Marco get it right?
What's YOUR pumpkin spice ride-or-die?
Tell the Barbaras what deserves a spot in next year's taste test.
